Hey guys. Bear with me. Today, I volunteered for the first time at a nursing home. And, of course, it was totally awkward. Because I'm awkward and I have no idea how one successfully interacts with others. I'm starting to have second thoughts about nursing, just because I feel like I don't really have the interpersonal skills to be an encouraging presence. I trust that God will lead me wherever I should go, whether that be a different career path, or if I'm what should be changed. It was an awkward experience, yes, but a good one. I painted one woman's nails, and while she couldn't really speak or see, I could tell that there were stories and unimaginable amounts of wisdom through her jaded eyes. It gave me hope for the life and experiences that lie before me. It reminded me that I should live for the future, but also for the present. Because if I'm only living in the future, am I really living? I should remember the lessons from the past as well, but leave the pain. Leave my mistakes. Leave my past desires and self. As I passed through another woman's room, I couldn't help but notice a devotional with the prayer for serenity on the cover. It goes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference." That definitely strikes a chord with me, even though it's probably for different reasons. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know why (oh, hello imaginary friends)...
When I got home, I went outside to talk to God. It was hard at first, because I had desires on my heart in addition to seeking His presence, but when I eventually gave them to Him and just prayed for His presence, I suddenly felt the urge to close my eyes and the wind picked up ever so slightly. Call me crazy, but I felt it. (Ever so slightly). I meditated a little more, and when I got up, I suddenly felt the desire to walk back into the woods. I didn't have shoes on and it was pretty dark in there, but I did it anyway. The twigs and debris hurt my feet, but that was quite alright. As soon as I walked under the cover of the trees, it started raining.
"Follow Me, and I will keep you."
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
11. Captain - Hillsong United
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
not this time, miley
It's been nearly a week since I thought my boy drama was all over... but it had just begun. Reading that as I typed sounded really pathetic. Anyway, moving on... I can't help but feel guilty because I know it was my fault that it all happened. I've forgiven him (I think) for all this crap that I'm still feeling, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I keep telling myself that it's alright, because I know I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with him anyway, but I can't help but wonder. It might have been my only chance, but I keep telling myself that it really is okay. I'm remembering how I started that whole thing with one guy three years ago and I realized that, while he was a really sweet kid, I felt so tied down because I knew he wasn't the one. I just have to wait for someone that I feel so in love with that the commitment is a joy. Or just not date at all. That's the frustrating part. It took sixteen years for the first one to happen, and then three more for this other kid. I've started praying for discernment in that area, because I'm totally willing to be patient and hope and everything for the right dude at the right time and to know that he's "the one", but what if I'm called to serve alone? What if I'm supposed to live as a free bird? What if I'm just living on empty hope my whole life? That's okay, but I want my desires to be conformed to God's. I don't want to have the capacity for romantic love, if that's the case.
I guess part of what kept me from truly trying to listen to God is that so many God-loving people in my church had to wait so, so long for a person to come into their lives. It's like God is punishing them (even though I know that's not true). It's just weird. I hear so many testimonies of people having to wait until their late 30s to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with. It's wonderful to have someone at all, but I feel so rushed. I feel like I need to find someone like, this year so that we can date for a long period of time and be married for a long period of time and still be able to have kids. I want to be totally transformed immediately so I'm ready to love the right way, but I know that's not the reason for the transformation. It's to love God and to be married to His Word, but... I can't protest any more, I guess.
I just have to keep in mind why all of this happened. It can be tough because while I believe in free will, how does that work with God's plan? One of those mysteries, I guess. I definitely think the mistext was me, not God. God's not stupid or weird nor does he make mistakes. That occurrence was definitely all three of those. But it was still an answered prayer. Hmm. I'm not sure if I should be trying to figure out how that all works together, or I should just trust that God made sure I was in a situation in which that would be likely to happen. Because Lord knows I'm weird. That translates into a little bit of uncertainty for finding the right guy. What if it's God's plan for us to meet, but our free will lets us part ways?
I just have to trust that this pain is working towards something beautiful, just like I asked a few months ago. While there is a battle in my heart concerning this whole finding my soulmate and whether or not he exists and if I'll find him and stuff like that, I feel more empowered in the battle against sin. The walls that kept God out and sin inside have been painfully but totally torn down (except not by Miley Cyrus). Fight me, bro.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
Allison
10. Wrecking Ball - Sidewalk Prophets
I guess part of what kept me from truly trying to listen to God is that so many God-loving people in my church had to wait so, so long for a person to come into their lives. It's like God is punishing them (even though I know that's not true). It's just weird. I hear so many testimonies of people having to wait until their late 30s to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with. It's wonderful to have someone at all, but I feel so rushed. I feel like I need to find someone like, this year so that we can date for a long period of time and be married for a long period of time and still be able to have kids. I want to be totally transformed immediately so I'm ready to love the right way, but I know that's not the reason for the transformation. It's to love God and to be married to His Word, but... I can't protest any more, I guess.
I just have to keep in mind why all of this happened. It can be tough because while I believe in free will, how does that work with God's plan? One of those mysteries, I guess. I definitely think the mistext was me, not God. God's not stupid or weird nor does he make mistakes. That occurrence was definitely all three of those. But it was still an answered prayer. Hmm. I'm not sure if I should be trying to figure out how that all works together, or I should just trust that God made sure I was in a situation in which that would be likely to happen. Because Lord knows I'm weird. That translates into a little bit of uncertainty for finding the right guy. What if it's God's plan for us to meet, but our free will lets us part ways?
I just have to trust that this pain is working towards something beautiful, just like I asked a few months ago. While there is a battle in my heart concerning this whole finding my soulmate and whether or not he exists and if I'll find him and stuff like that, I feel more empowered in the battle against sin. The walls that kept God out and sin inside have been painfully but totally torn down (except not by Miley Cyrus). Fight me, bro.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
Allison
10. Wrecking Ball - Sidewalk Prophets
Friday, June 19, 2015
beauty of the storm
As a continuation of my last post, I realized something. This was always about just my relationship with God, not something that "could've been". How rich God is in mercy, that He would actually listen to my prayer and deliver so powerfully. As the week went on, I really did see how I am dead to my past sin. Grace was no longer an excuse, but a reason to live in the Light- to live like Christ.
On Wednesday, I met with a friend for ice cream, which I figured would help me get over what happened. What I didn't know was that it was never even necessary to get over it. It was only required of me that I see the depth and width and height of God's love, which I saw in the beauty of the sky that night and the wonderful community of friends that we accidentally stumbled upon there. It was in the "hey, wanna do something stupid?" and not really doing anything stupid at all but walk down the street laughing and taking a picture of an ordinary street sign to send to someone. It was in the excitement that we had to go back to school and band and the nervousness and the talk about prayer for our futures and about how stupid going to class is and how we're both going to try to be more involved in LCM. It was in the safety of the drive home. It was on the radio with a Matt Maher song to which I tried to sing along but sounded horrible because I had never even heard the song before. It was such a powerful testament to being alive because of Christ that I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Last night was when I saw all of this. The beauty and love that came out of everything that had happened, under the disguise of misfortune. I realized how much I've changed in the past week, and that there's no way on earth that I could have gone through this by myself or simply by my own choosing.
There was a huge storm last night. I went outside and finally took the lyrics of the Carrie Underwood song I had been singing all week to heart. It felt like I was being baptized again, but instead of having the formalities and the delicate nature of baptism or confirmation within a church, this was raw. It was just God and me. The cold rain came pouring down when the unseasonably dark skies opened up, washing me clean and assuring me in the power and promises that God always keeps, and I, in turn, was committing my whole self to His Will as passionately as the storm thundered. I knew then just how much God loved me, because He would put me through the pain so I could see an infinitely greater joy.
I have never felt so loved.
I have never felt so alive.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
Peace of Christ,
Allison
9. Because He Lives - Matt Maher
"Amen, amen...
I'm alive, I'm alive because He lives..."
On Wednesday, I met with a friend for ice cream, which I figured would help me get over what happened. What I didn't know was that it was never even necessary to get over it. It was only required of me that I see the depth and width and height of God's love, which I saw in the beauty of the sky that night and the wonderful community of friends that we accidentally stumbled upon there. It was in the "hey, wanna do something stupid?" and not really doing anything stupid at all but walk down the street laughing and taking a picture of an ordinary street sign to send to someone. It was in the excitement that we had to go back to school and band and the nervousness and the talk about prayer for our futures and about how stupid going to class is and how we're both going to try to be more involved in LCM. It was in the safety of the drive home. It was on the radio with a Matt Maher song to which I tried to sing along but sounded horrible because I had never even heard the song before. It was such a powerful testament to being alive because of Christ that I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Last night was when I saw all of this. The beauty and love that came out of everything that had happened, under the disguise of misfortune. I realized how much I've changed in the past week, and that there's no way on earth that I could have gone through this by myself or simply by my own choosing.
There was a huge storm last night. I went outside and finally took the lyrics of the Carrie Underwood song I had been singing all week to heart. It felt like I was being baptized again, but instead of having the formalities and the delicate nature of baptism or confirmation within a church, this was raw. It was just God and me. The cold rain came pouring down when the unseasonably dark skies opened up, washing me clean and assuring me in the power and promises that God always keeps, and I, in turn, was committing my whole self to His Will as passionately as the storm thundered. I knew then just how much God loved me, because He would put me through the pain so I could see an infinitely greater joy.
I have never felt so loved.
I have never felt so alive.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17
Peace of Christ,
Allison
9. Because He Lives - Matt Maher
"Amen, amen...
I'm alive, I'm alive because He lives..."
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
a testimony of God's love
So.... I did something stupid. Really stupid. Kind of silly, actually. Anyway, I had been texting with this guy since the end of April, and I was excited, because this was the first time that I really liked someone that liked me back. #only19yearsold. So, we eventually hung out, and it was kind of awkward, but it still went well. After that, we lost contact. *insert confused emoji*. I was complaining to my friend, because I was concerned that it would be totally over just as I started to really like him, and I had no idea why. I didn't know if I had done something wrong, if he changed his opinion about me, or if I was just unattractive. Dramatic, I know, but keep in mind that my collective dating history is next to nothing. So I did what any ridiculously bored weirdo would do to diffuse the tension and sent the creepiest complaint I could possibly create to her. But just as a lighthearted joke. And of course, I sent it to him instead. (Excuse me while I go lay in the middle of the road.) He said he was "weirded out a little", and I don't blame him for that, but we still kept in contact. A month passes by, and I start to wonder. I eventually gathered the courage to ask him why we hadn't seen each other, and I eventually got the answer. He had changed his mind with the "mistext incident". I get it. I really do. What I don't get is why we kept in contact for so long, especially when he knew I was into him. That just made it hurt more.
I don't know what made him think that it was okay to lead me on.
But I know why it happened. It was an answered prayer.
A few months ago, I realized how callous and unfeeling I had become. Scratch that, I just knew something was wrong. I knew God was far away, even though I went to church every Sunday and went to weekly Wednesday worship with LCM. I was empty. I relied on people far too much. I became indifferent to sin. So as a last attempt to cry out to God, I prayed reluctantly that He would break my heart so that I could be made totally new. I could be the loving, kind, caring, compassionate girl I once was, but now as a young woman. I could be a young woman filled with Spirit, patience, and peace. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I prayed to have God on my side and to feel that He is always there. I wanted things to be in vibrant color again. Little did I know how much a something like this could hurt after not feeling so long. It wasn't immediate, and it definitely wasn't a clean break. It didn't come with our final conversation. It came with the month of not knowing. I cried. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I tried running so that I could be happy. As time went on, I realized how much just one person could possibly bring me down, even though it may have been and probably was unintentional. I knew that, deep down, he wasn't 'the one'. He fit the description (smart, Christian, etc.), but I couldn't see us together forever, you feel me? But what if this was my only chance? It was this kind of thinking that brought me to my knees.
That's when I remembered my cry to God.
I began to pray every night. I prayed that His Will be done. I prayed that whatever was going to happen, that He hold my hand the whole way and show me the good that would come out of it. I prayed that He would fill me with peace, and not let this get to me. As my pastor said in a perfectly timed sermon last Sunday, God only gives us what is good. So of course, I still lost sleep and my appetite and worried all the time. I wondered why God wasn't helping me, even though I was praying. It took a month of restlessness to realize just how lost of a person I had become. Just the extent of how much I lacked compassion before. How I only used my faith as a crutch. How boys are my weakness, and the only way to possibly fill me with any sort of emotion. The only way to get to my heart. The only ones who had my heart. That's the reason it got so ridiculously out of control on my end. Heck, the last time I hurt so much was when a friend died four years ago. And then that's when God showed up. He started fixing me. I realized the hurt was from Him, not from him. If it had been from him, how much worse it would have been! I realized that God really was there the whole time, but I just wasn't ready to listen to His voice. I was still trying to stick with the plan that I had made for myself, ignoring my own empty prayer that God's Will be done. I think God just kind of shook His head, facepalmed, and let me fall. But He let me fall into His arms. If He would have let me really fall, I would have stayed there because of how far the climb back up would be. How amazing this peace is, after what happened. Yes, it still hurts, but I'm finally alive. Alive to God and dead to my past. Just imagine how beautiful life would have been if I prayed and thought about God and read His Word every day, not just when I started to realize how desperately I needed rescuing.
If I could go back and stop myself from sending that text, I wouldn't.
And maybe someday, God willing, I'll meet a weirdo who won't simply take me at face value (literally). He'll think I'm weird, but one silly thing I do won't define what he thinks about me. Or maybe I'll just stop doing creepy things. Either way. But yeah, we'll have a beautiful wedding and strange children and be so, so much more in love with God than we are with each other. And I'll know that it's meant to be. We won't be awkward at all, or we'll be so beautifully awkward together that it brings us closer to each other. But until then, or even if that never happens at all, my heart will be open for Christ to fill.
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
<3
Allison
8. Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood
"Then it hit me like lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying 'God, if You're there come and rescue me'
Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood
and now I'm changed
and now I'm stronger..."
I don't know what made him think that it was okay to lead me on.
But I know why it happened. It was an answered prayer.
A few months ago, I realized how callous and unfeeling I had become. Scratch that, I just knew something was wrong. I knew God was far away, even though I went to church every Sunday and went to weekly Wednesday worship with LCM. I was empty. I relied on people far too much. I became indifferent to sin. So as a last attempt to cry out to God, I prayed reluctantly that He would break my heart so that I could be made totally new. I could be the loving, kind, caring, compassionate girl I once was, but now as a young woman. I could be a young woman filled with Spirit, patience, and peace. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I prayed to have God on my side and to feel that He is always there. I wanted things to be in vibrant color again. Little did I know how much a something like this could hurt after not feeling so long. It wasn't immediate, and it definitely wasn't a clean break. It didn't come with our final conversation. It came with the month of not knowing. I cried. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I tried running so that I could be happy. As time went on, I realized how much just one person could possibly bring me down, even though it may have been and probably was unintentional. I knew that, deep down, he wasn't 'the one'. He fit the description (smart, Christian, etc.), but I couldn't see us together forever, you feel me? But what if this was my only chance? It was this kind of thinking that brought me to my knees.
That's when I remembered my cry to God.
I began to pray every night. I prayed that His Will be done. I prayed that whatever was going to happen, that He hold my hand the whole way and show me the good that would come out of it. I prayed that He would fill me with peace, and not let this get to me. As my pastor said in a perfectly timed sermon last Sunday, God only gives us what is good. So of course, I still lost sleep and my appetite and worried all the time. I wondered why God wasn't helping me, even though I was praying. It took a month of restlessness to realize just how lost of a person I had become. Just the extent of how much I lacked compassion before. How I only used my faith as a crutch. How boys are my weakness, and the only way to possibly fill me with any sort of emotion. The only way to get to my heart. The only ones who had my heart. That's the reason it got so ridiculously out of control on my end. Heck, the last time I hurt so much was when a friend died four years ago. And then that's when God showed up. He started fixing me. I realized the hurt was from Him, not from him. If it had been from him, how much worse it would have been! I realized that God really was there the whole time, but I just wasn't ready to listen to His voice. I was still trying to stick with the plan that I had made for myself, ignoring my own empty prayer that God's Will be done. I think God just kind of shook His head, facepalmed, and let me fall. But He let me fall into His arms. If He would have let me really fall, I would have stayed there because of how far the climb back up would be. How amazing this peace is, after what happened. Yes, it still hurts, but I'm finally alive. Alive to God and dead to my past. Just imagine how beautiful life would have been if I prayed and thought about God and read His Word every day, not just when I started to realize how desperately I needed rescuing.
If I could go back and stop myself from sending that text, I wouldn't.
And maybe someday, God willing, I'll meet a weirdo who won't simply take me at face value (literally). He'll think I'm weird, but one silly thing I do won't define what he thinks about me. Or maybe I'll just stop doing creepy things. Either way. But yeah, we'll have a beautiful wedding and strange children and be so, so much more in love with God than we are with each other. And I'll know that it's meant to be. We won't be awkward at all, or we'll be so beautifully awkward together that it brings us closer to each other. But until then, or even if that never happens at all, my heart will be open for Christ to fill.
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
<3
Allison
8. Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood
"Then it hit me like lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying 'God, if You're there come and rescue me'
Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood
and now I'm changed
and now I'm stronger..."
Sunday, May 24, 2015
one year down.
Hello, old (and probably imaginary) friends. What has it been, a year? Yikes. Anyway, one year of college in the books. It was a beautiful one, at that. UNC has, by far, exceeded my expectations in most areas. What surprised me most, I think, was that I was able to find such a close-knit community of friends with the Lutheran Campus Ministry. I also thought I would never ditch the idea of med school, but after a year of prayer and searching, I think I've figured out what my calling is in life. I definitely need to pray and search more, but as for now, I think I know. I guess time will tell.
I know this was a short post, but I need to spend some time reflecting on the year to formulate a comprehensive yet cohesive post. It was a year of discovery, questioning, learning, excitement, and much to my delight, adventure. Love y'all, and goodnight!
xoxo
Allison
7. Help Me Find It - Sidewalk Prophets
I know this was a short post, but I need to spend some time reflecting on the year to formulate a comprehensive yet cohesive post. It was a year of discovery, questioning, learning, excitement, and much to my delight, adventure. Love y'all, and goodnight!
xoxo
Allison
7. Help Me Find It - Sidewalk Prophets
Thursday, July 31, 2014
next chapter.
I guess you could say that it's been a while.
Since I left you last, I've been admitted to the NC State Honors College, UNC Chapel Hill, and the Oxford College of Emory. I will be attending... drumroll please... Carolina! So excited to be a Tarheel. I'm leaving for campus in less than two weeks to begin band camp! That's right, I'll be in marching band... on piccolo. As if I'm not obnoxious enough. As for my major, I'm not so excited. CHEM CHEM CHEM NONSTOP CHEMISTRY. I'm considering switching from Pre-Pharmacy to Pre-Dent so I could become a pediatric dentist, because I'd feel better with more of a concentration in biology and I love kids. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. Prayers please.
On a sad note, my high school suffered a loss this year. A recently graduated senior took his own life, and it has hit many of us like a ton of bricks. I could only imagine how much pain he was experiencing, and I pray for his family members and that I would be able to discern when a person is in need of help. You were a cool dude, Brandon.
Also, my cat died. He was cool too.
I hope to use these next two weeks to prepare, spend time with my family, and spend time with God.
I have also decided with a friend to do something crazy within the next ten years. It's going to happen. Nothing irresponsible or inappropriate, it's just that it's huge. We both have excuses to do it. We also plan on recruiting a couple other friends for it. My only clue to you is that I will live up to the title of this blog.
Until next time,
Allison
6. All I've Ever Needed- AJ Michalka
Since I left you last, I've been admitted to the NC State Honors College, UNC Chapel Hill, and the Oxford College of Emory. I will be attending... drumroll please... Carolina! So excited to be a Tarheel. I'm leaving for campus in less than two weeks to begin band camp! That's right, I'll be in marching band... on piccolo. As if I'm not obnoxious enough. As for my major, I'm not so excited. CHEM CHEM CHEM NONSTOP CHEMISTRY. I'm considering switching from Pre-Pharmacy to Pre-Dent so I could become a pediatric dentist, because I'd feel better with more of a concentration in biology and I love kids. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. Prayers please.
On a sad note, my high school suffered a loss this year. A recently graduated senior took his own life, and it has hit many of us like a ton of bricks. I could only imagine how much pain he was experiencing, and I pray for his family members and that I would be able to discern when a person is in need of help. You were a cool dude, Brandon.
Also, my cat died. He was cool too.
I hope to use these next two weeks to prepare, spend time with my family, and spend time with God.
I have also decided with a friend to do something crazy within the next ten years. It's going to happen. Nothing irresponsible or inappropriate, it's just that it's huge. We both have excuses to do it. We also plan on recruiting a couple other friends for it. My only clue to you is that I will live up to the title of this blog.
Until next time,
Allison
6. All I've Ever Needed- AJ Michalka
Friday, January 3, 2014
college.
Time for post-holiday depression to settle in.
I'm supposed to be applying for scholarships and whatnot, but I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe. Anyway, I am officially done with applying to college as of Sunday. Woo. I started in what, August? So. Many. Essays. Scholarship essays aren't that much better. On the bright side, I've been admitted to the Honors College at the University of Alabama (full ride too! Roll, tide, roll!), the Honors College at the University of South Carolina, and North Carolina State University. As of right now, I'd probably end up at State. I'm really hoping to receive a big packet with light blue print on it (it's not like it could be a really, really, really long rejection letter, right?), and it should come this month. Really hoping. The anticipation makes it seem like every day is two years.
I'm just really glad that I'm going to college somewhere. It is truly a dream come true. A likely dream, yes. I always knew that I was going to go SOMEWHERE for an education. But now, that dream is taking shape. I cannot wait to see the marvelous outcome. :)
Love,
Allison
5. E Ti Promettero- Josh Groban
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