It's been nearly a week since I thought my boy drama was all over... but it had just begun. Reading that as I typed sounded really pathetic. Anyway, moving on... I can't help but feel guilty because I know it was my fault that it all happened. I've forgiven him (I think) for all this crap that I'm still feeling, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I keep telling myself that it's alright, because I know I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with him anyway, but I can't help but wonder. It might have been my only chance, but I keep telling myself that it really is okay. I'm remembering how I started that whole thing with one guy three years ago and I realized that, while he was a really sweet kid, I felt so tied down because I knew he wasn't the one. I just have to wait for someone that I feel so in love with that the commitment is a joy. Or just not date at all. That's the frustrating part. It took sixteen years for the first one to happen, and then three more for this other kid. I've started praying for discernment in that area, because I'm totally willing to be patient and hope and everything for the right dude at the right time and to know that he's "the one", but what if I'm called to serve alone? What if I'm supposed to live as a free bird? What if I'm just living on empty hope my whole life? That's okay, but I want my desires to be conformed to God's. I don't want to have the capacity for romantic love, if that's the case.
I guess part of what kept me from truly trying to listen to God is that so many God-loving people in my church had to wait so, so long for a person to come into their lives. It's like God is punishing them (even though I know that's not true). It's just weird. I hear so many testimonies of people having to wait until their late 30s to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with. It's wonderful to have someone at all, but I feel so rushed. I feel like I need to find someone like, this year so that we can date for a long period of time and be married for a long period of time and still be able to have kids. I want to be totally transformed immediately so I'm ready to love the right way, but I know that's not the reason for the transformation. It's to love God and to be married to His Word, but... I can't protest any more, I guess.
I just have to keep in mind why all of this happened. It can be tough because while I believe in free will, how does that work with God's plan? One of those mysteries, I guess. I definitely think the mistext was me, not God. God's not stupid or weird nor does he make mistakes. That occurrence was definitely all three of those. But it was still an answered prayer. Hmm. I'm not sure if I should be trying to figure out how that all works together, or I should just trust that God made sure I was in a situation in which that would be likely to happen. Because Lord knows I'm weird. That translates into a little bit of uncertainty for finding the right guy. What if it's God's plan for us to meet, but our free will lets us part ways?
I just have to trust that this pain is working towards something beautiful, just like I asked a few months ago. While there is a battle in my heart concerning this whole finding my soulmate and whether or not he exists and if I'll find him and stuff like that, I feel more empowered in the battle against sin. The walls that kept God out and sin inside have been painfully but totally torn down (except not by Miley Cyrus). Fight me, bro.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
Allison
10. Wrecking Ball - Sidewalk Prophets
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