So.... I did something stupid. Really stupid. Kind of silly, actually. Anyway, I had been texting with this guy since the end of April, and I was excited, because this was the first time that I really liked someone that liked me back. #only19yearsold. So, we eventually hung out, and it was kind of awkward, but it still went well. After that, we lost contact. *insert confused emoji*. I was complaining to my friend, because I was concerned that it would be totally over just as I started to really like him, and I had no idea why. I didn't know if I had done something wrong, if he changed his opinion about me, or if I was just unattractive. Dramatic, I know, but keep in mind that my collective dating history is next to nothing. So I did what any ridiculously bored weirdo would do to diffuse the tension and sent the creepiest complaint I could possibly create to her. But just as a lighthearted joke. And of course, I sent it to him instead. (Excuse me while I go lay in the middle of the road.) He said he was "weirded out a little", and I don't blame him for that, but we still kept in contact. A month passes by, and I start to wonder. I eventually gathered the courage to ask him why we hadn't seen each other, and I eventually got the answer. He had changed his mind with the "mistext incident". I get it. I really do. What I don't get is why we kept in contact for so long, especially when he knew I was into him. That just made it hurt more.
I don't know what made him think that it was okay to lead me on.
But I know why it happened. It was an answered prayer.
A few months ago, I realized how callous and unfeeling I had become. Scratch that, I just knew something was wrong. I knew God was far away, even though I went to church every Sunday and went to weekly Wednesday worship with LCM. I was empty. I relied on people far too much. I became indifferent to sin. So as a last attempt to cry out to God, I prayed reluctantly that He would break my heart so that I could be made totally new. I could be the loving, kind, caring, compassionate girl I once was, but now as a young woman. I could be a young woman filled with Spirit, patience, and peace. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I prayed to have God on my side and to feel that He is always there. I wanted things to be in vibrant color again. Little did I know how much a something like this could hurt after not feeling so long. It wasn't immediate, and it definitely wasn't a clean break. It didn't come with our final conversation. It came with the month of not knowing. I cried. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I tried running so that I could be happy. As time went on, I realized how much just one person could possibly bring me down, even though it may have been and probably was unintentional. I knew that, deep down, he wasn't 'the one'. He fit the description (smart, Christian, etc.), but I couldn't see us together forever, you feel me? But what if this was my only chance? It was this kind of thinking that brought me to my knees.
That's when I remembered my cry to God.
I began to pray every night. I prayed that His Will be done. I prayed that whatever was going to happen, that He hold my hand the whole way and show me the good that would come out of it. I prayed that He would fill me with peace, and not let this get to me. As my pastor said in a perfectly timed sermon last Sunday, God only gives us what is good. So of course, I still lost sleep and my appetite and worried all the time. I wondered why God wasn't helping me, even though I was praying. It took a month of restlessness to realize just how lost of a person I had become. Just the extent of how much I lacked compassion before. How I only used my faith as a crutch. How boys are my weakness, and the only way to possibly fill me with any sort of emotion. The only way to get to my heart. The only ones who had my heart. That's the reason it got so ridiculously out of control on my end. Heck, the last time I hurt so much was when a friend died four years ago. And then that's when God showed up. He started fixing me. I realized the hurt was from Him, not from him. If it had been from him, how much worse it would have been! I realized that God really was there the whole time, but I just wasn't ready to listen to His voice. I was still trying to stick with the plan that I had made for myself, ignoring my own empty prayer that God's Will be done. I think God just kind of shook His head, facepalmed, and let me fall. But He let me fall into His arms. If He would have let me really fall, I would have stayed there because of how far the climb back up would be. How amazing this peace is, after what happened. Yes, it still hurts, but I'm finally alive. Alive to God and dead to my past. Just imagine how beautiful life would have been if I prayed and thought about God and read His Word every day, not just when I started to realize how desperately I needed rescuing.
If I could go back and stop myself from sending that text, I wouldn't.
And maybe someday, God willing, I'll meet a weirdo who won't simply take me at face value (literally). He'll think I'm weird, but one silly thing I do won't define what he thinks about me. Or maybe I'll just stop doing creepy things. Either way. But yeah, we'll have a beautiful wedding and strange children and be so, so much more in love with God than we are with each other. And I'll know that it's meant to be. We won't be awkward at all, or we'll be so beautifully awkward together that it brings us closer to each other. But until then, or even if that never happens at all, my heart will be open for Christ to fill.
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18
<3
Allison
8. Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood
"Then it hit me like lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying 'God, if You're there come and rescue me'
Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood
and now I'm changed
and now I'm stronger..."
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