e major 9th suspended 4th

Today, I skipped volunteering. I just kinda took a day for myself. I didn't do much, just walked the dog and read a little in John, and got my hair "trimmed" (she took like three inches off).

After all that, we went to get takeout at one of the Chinese joints in Indian Trail, which isn't the norm for our family. While we were waiting, KLove was playing ever so softly in the background. "Shoulders" came on, and reminded that there isn't anything that I can't get through with Christ.

I'm not really one for the fortunes they put in those cookies they haphazardly throw in your bag, but the one I got today said "Your love light shines on another". I think it was something that God has been trying to say to me for a while. My mind keeps going back to that boy that literally should not matter anymore. I quite literally asked for this in my life. Literally. I just kind of thought that He would answer my prayer for a heartbreak in the sense that I would suddenly just feel really upset and heartbroken for no reason. And that I would yearn for His face as a result of nothing. No. God answered in an amazing way. It showed me how bad my emotional boundary-setting problem was. It showed me that my priorities were way out of order. It was a test of faith, and still is. I choose to believe that this is a sign of God's graciousness, as I am free to run to Him now. No one said cutting the chains wouldn't hurt. I'm a stronger person because of this. I believe that my love light really does shine on another, meaning the certain best friend that I will discover when I least expect it. I taped the fortune in my journal on the very last page, across from another one that read, "the greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."

I fiddled with my guitar for a while, and strummed a sort of melancholy progression. It went Em, C, Am, E9sus4, Em. Sad progressions and songs in general kind of remind me of what happened (I know I should be over it, but I've been around close to zero other people and it leads to my dwelling on it). I played around a little more, and found a quite brighter progression. It goes E, E7, A, E9sus4, E. Notice how the same weird chord is in that one. I'm going to let that chord stand for the hurt, because it made the next part sound even brighter.

I just have to be patient.

16. To Those Who Wait - Bethany Dillon

toast fire

Hello, all. What a beautiful Friday.

A few days ago, I was making some toast in the toaster oven (which has been broken for a long time). It had been in there for less than a minute when it decides to burst into flames. Yay for being home alone.

Today, for the first time in my life, I felt a perfect and (ironically) overwhelming peace. An unworldly peace. I think I can safely attribute that to prayer and reading the Gospels. Now that I've surrendered, I am ready to walk wherever I may be called, because I know that it will be for a greater glory. Whatever happens, happens. I trust that discernment in where I should go as far as career and major will come in due time. I trust that the best as far as a relationship goes will happen, whether that it is to have one or not. I don't know, but I trust.

I'm ready, now. Ready for my heart to be set on fire for Christ. I don't want to be apathetic to my surroundings or faith life anymore. For so long, I've simply existed. Any desire I had was for myself. I want to leave the shyness behind, yet keep a quiet spirit that burns out loud. I'm ready to use all that I've been given to show people a greater glory and to help them and give them hope, to the best of my ability. I want to live for others.

I don't want a cute little candle flame or even a toaster oven flame (although it did make me panic for a second).



I want a wildfire.

"And they said to one another, 'Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the scriptures to us?'" Luke 24:32

15. Start A Fire - Unspoken

mutual weirdness

Oh hey there. Long time no see.

Today has been a good day.

First off, however, I woke up from a horrible dream. I had been locked in a room with all of my friends, but I couldn't take my attention off a certain boy that was sitting beside me, facing the opposite wall. Yeah.

So when I woke up, I prayed that I would have discernment and wisdom and guidance in this part of my life and through this struggle. You have to understand, boys have been my ultimate weakness for nine years. NINE YEARS. So I threw myself at him and set zero emotional boundaries as soon as I realized I had "a chance". That's why this whole thing has been blown out of proportion for so long.

I worried that I was still too far away for God to hear.

During the service today, we sang that Matt Maher song I told you about a few posts ago. It's a relatively new song, so it was surprising that they were able to get the sheet music and practice it all together so quickly. I knew that it was the first indication that God heard my prayer. So, yeah. First thing to keep in mind is that I really am alive, and I was dead before. I needed this hurt. Second indication was when our pastor closed prayer by saying that we should rejoice because of the cross, as God hears us and allows us to enter into a relationship with him after the veil was torn. Third was the sermon itself. Deuteronomy 7:3 states "Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons" in reference to interfaith marriages. To put it into modern context, we should not intermarry with our culture. Celebrity culture. Hookup culture. Drug culture. Underage drinking culture. It reminded me that I should be waiting to find someone who has transcended the world or who will transcend the world. Someone whose faith intertwines with every aspect of his life. I'm not judging the guy that I keep mentioning at all, as I lived in our culture as well - it's pretty much the reason we met each other. In turn, however, I will be trying to do this too.

I realized that the reason I've been thinking so much about the dude is not because God wants me to hurt still, but because I'm still fighting a battle. Yes, I'm dead to who I was before, but he who deceives hasn't given up yet. He wants me to think that I messed up (I mean, I did), but that there's no coming back. I'm not good enough for anyone. That was my only chance. It was like that State Farm "I got you a dollar" commercial. He was perfect for me because he was Christian and nerdy and smart and a Tar Heel and was in marching band and liked kids and wanted to be a doctor so he could help people. He was perfect for me, and I messed up. I did mess up, but he most definitely was not perfect for me. Yes, he is a good person and will find a wonderful woman. That woman is not me (I am not wonderful), but I am made new in Christ, and I am confident that "the one" is out there somewhere. I turned on the radio when leaving my cousin's house, and the lady on KLove perfectly described what I have been trying to conclude all this time in a Dr. Seuss quote: "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." I was not compatible with his weirdness (if he had any at all), and vice versa. Simple. I'm glad I messed up, because if I hadn't and we dated, something just wouldn't have felt right. It's hard to tell when it's a lack of chemistry or you just don't know each other well enough yet, you feel me? But as for me, I have a good feeling about the next one. I can't be too careful, but I just have a feeling. I know there will be someone and we'll just both know.

The next thing that came on the radio was a statement that made me physically speak "Amen" in my empty car. The announcer said something along the lines of "things can get us down. Careers, people, life events. We can't let these things get us down, because hope is an engine for change. In the midst of trials, we should find our joy in the Lord." A to the men.

All in all, while I've been scared with all of the uncertainty in figuring out my major and not taking summer classes as I had intended, I am glad for this free time in the summer. I am glad that God brought me to the end of the line with the certainty I have in my career path and school and and the strange male species. It literally brought me to my knees, and I gave it all to Him. I know that there is no possible way that I can do this life thing on my own. All I can do is praise and hope and be thankful and pray. With this time, I have been serious about reading up on the Bible for the first time. I am determined to finish this time. I want to know God. I know that He's the only one who can ultimately satisfy my heart's craving for love. And, be it part of His plan, I'll better understand the relationship between Christ and the church so that I'll know when I've found someone with whom I can have the same kind of relationship. But for now, and from now on, I am so ready to be in an ever-growing relationship with the One who loved me first.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

13. My Heart Is Yours - Passion; 14. Lord I'm Ready Now - Plumb

my sadness is now named phyllis

 I went to see the film "Inside Out" yesterday. I thought it was going to be cute and funny, but it taught me a few things. 1. It's healthy to be in touch with your emotions, so they don't get too out of control. 2. Don't underestimate the value of sadness. 3. Joy is closer than you think.

12. Broken Vessel (Amazing Grace) - Hillsong United

i like the name peter, too

Hello, friends. My parents and sister left for Europe, so I'm alone (yes please abduct me because I'm bored). In an attempt to delay the impending doom of boredom, I drove to Starbucks to write a summer letter for a prospective LCM member. When I ordered my drink, I think the barista may have been flirting with me- or was just trying to make conversation. He said Allison was his favorite name. Of course, I froze. This validates a point my friend made- I rely too much on technology for my relationships with people, it's my weakness. I just kind of giggled like an idiot instead of shooting back a response about how you can only like being named after a race car driver so much.

Instead of immediately writing the letter to a future LCMer, I wrote a letter to another guy I don't know. Yet. It was a love letter, and it ended up being 19 pages long. It was about how I know he's out there and I just need to have faith. I know we'll be perfect for each other. I know that we'll help each other grow in faith. I have confidence that he's out there, somewhere. Normally my mom would just say that she was lucky that she found my dad (at 15 years old, mind you) and that there aren't that many good guys out there and would provide no consolation about my ability to find someone. Except this time, she told me that there's definitely someone out there, I just have to remember who has this in their hands. True that, Karen. My best friend said the same thing later that day. I hope that God was speaking to me through them, because now I have so much hope.

After I sat in Starbucks for two hours, I drove around aimlessly, following the heat lightning until it turned into a storm. When I got home, I stood out in the backyard and simply stood in awe at the beauty and power of the lightning. I asked God to help me understand, because I know He was trying to tell me something.

 If He had so much power so as to light up the sky, then I have a force to be reckoned with on my side.

"I will listen to what God the Lord says; He promises peace to His people, His faithful servants- but let them not turn to folly." Psalm 85:8


12. Oceans - Hillsong United

follow Me, and I will keep you

Hey guys. Bear with me. Today, I volunteered for the first time at a nursing home. And, of course, it was totally awkward. Because I'm awkward and I have no idea how one successfully interacts with others. I'm starting to have second thoughts about nursing, just because I feel like I don't really have the interpersonal skills to be an encouraging presence. I trust that God will lead me wherever I should go, whether that be a different career path, or if I'm what should be changed. It was an awkward experience, yes, but a good one. I painted one woman's nails, and while she couldn't really speak or see, I could tell that there were stories and unimaginable amounts of wisdom through her jaded eyes. It gave me hope for the life and experiences that lie before me. It reminded me that I should live for the future, but also for the present. Because if I'm only living in the future, am I really living? I should remember the lessons from the past as well, but leave the pain. Leave my mistakes. Leave my past desires and self. As I passed through another woman's room, I couldn't help but notice a devotional with the prayer for serenity on the cover. It goes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference." That definitely strikes a chord with me, even though it's probably for different reasons. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know why (oh, hello imaginary friends)...

When I got home, I went outside to talk to God. It was hard at first, because I had desires on my heart in addition to seeking His presence, but when I eventually gave them to Him and just prayed for His presence, I suddenly felt the urge to close my eyes and the wind picked up ever so slightly. Call me crazy, but I felt it. (Ever so slightly). I meditated a little more, and when I got up, I suddenly felt the desire to walk back into the woods. I didn't have shoes on and it was pretty dark in there, but I did it anyway. The twigs and debris hurt my feet, but that was quite alright. As soon as I walked under the cover of the trees, it started raining.




"Follow Me, and I will keep you."




"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12


11. Captain - Hillsong United

not this time, miley

It's been nearly a week since I thought my boy drama was all over... but it had just begun. Reading that as I typed sounded really pathetic. Anyway, moving on... I can't help but feel guilty because I know it was my fault that it all happened. I've forgiven him (I think) for all this crap that I'm still feeling, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I keep telling myself that it's alright, because I know I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with him anyway, but I can't help but wonder. It might have been my only chance, but I keep telling myself that it really is okay. I'm remembering how I started that whole thing with one guy three years ago and I realized that, while he was a really sweet kid, I felt so tied down because I knew he wasn't the one. I just have to wait for someone that I feel so in love with that the commitment is a joy. Or just not date at all. That's the frustrating part. It took sixteen years for the first one to happen, and then three more for this other kid. I've started praying for discernment in that area, because I'm totally willing to be  patient and hope and everything for the right dude at the right time and to know that he's "the one", but what if I'm called to serve alone? What if I'm supposed to live as a free bird? What if I'm just living on empty hope my whole life? That's okay, but I want my desires to be conformed to God's. I don't want to have the capacity for romantic love, if that's the case.

I guess part of what kept me from truly trying to listen to God is that so many God-loving people in my church had to wait so, so long for a person to come into their lives. It's like God is punishing them (even though I know that's not true). It's just weird. I hear so many testimonies of people having to wait until their late 30s to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with. It's wonderful to have someone at all, but I feel so rushed. I feel like I need to find someone like, this year so that we can date for a long period of time and be married for a long period of time and still be able to have kids. I want to be totally transformed immediately so I'm ready to love the right way, but I know that's not the reason for the transformation. It's to love God and to be married to His Word, but... I can't protest any more, I guess.

I just have to keep in mind why all of this happened. It can be tough because while I believe in free will, how does that work with God's plan? One of those mysteries, I guess. I definitely think the mistext was me, not God. God's not stupid or weird nor does he make mistakes. That occurrence was definitely all three of those. But it was still an answered prayer. Hmm. I'm not sure if I should be trying to figure out how that all works together, or I should just trust that God made sure I was in a situation in which that would be likely to happen. Because Lord knows I'm weird. That translates into a little bit of uncertainty for finding the right guy. What if it's God's plan for us to meet, but our free will lets us part ways?

I just have to trust that this pain is working towards something beautiful, just like I asked a few months ago. While there is a battle in my heart concerning this whole finding my soulmate and whether or not he exists and if I'll find him and stuff like that, I feel more empowered in the battle against sin. The walls that kept God out and sin inside have been painfully but totally torn down (except not by Miley Cyrus). Fight me, bro.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Allison

10. Wrecking Ball - Sidewalk Prophets