e major 9th suspended 4th

Today, I skipped volunteering. I just kinda took a day for myself. I didn't do much, just walked the dog and read a little in John, and got my hair "trimmed" (she took like three inches off).

After all that, we went to get takeout at one of the Chinese joints in Indian Trail, which isn't the norm for our family. While we were waiting, KLove was playing ever so softly in the background. "Shoulders" came on, and reminded that there isn't anything that I can't get through with Christ.

I'm not really one for the fortunes they put in those cookies they haphazardly throw in your bag, but the one I got today said "Your love light shines on another". I think it was something that God has been trying to say to me for a while. My mind keeps going back to that boy that literally should not matter anymore. I quite literally asked for this in my life. Literally. I just kind of thought that He would answer my prayer for a heartbreak in the sense that I would suddenly just feel really upset and heartbroken for no reason. And that I would yearn for His face as a result of nothing. No. God answered in an amazing way. It showed me how bad my emotional boundary-setting problem was. It showed me that my priorities were way out of order. It was a test of faith, and still is. I choose to believe that this is a sign of God's graciousness, as I am free to run to Him now. No one said cutting the chains wouldn't hurt. I'm a stronger person because of this. I believe that my love light really does shine on another, meaning the certain best friend that I will discover when I least expect it. I taped the fortune in my journal on the very last page, across from another one that read, "the greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."

I fiddled with my guitar for a while, and strummed a sort of melancholy progression. It went Em, C, Am, E9sus4, Em. Sad progressions and songs in general kind of remind me of what happened (I know I should be over it, but I've been around close to zero other people and it leads to my dwelling on it). I played around a little more, and found a quite brighter progression. It goes E, E7, A, E9sus4, E. Notice how the same weird chord is in that one. I'm going to let that chord stand for the hurt, because it made the next part sound even brighter.

I just have to be patient.

16. To Those Who Wait - Bethany Dillon

toast fire

Hello, all. What a beautiful Friday.

A few days ago, I was making some toast in the toaster oven (which has been broken for a long time). It had been in there for less than a minute when it decides to burst into flames. Yay for being home alone.

Today, for the first time in my life, I felt a perfect and (ironically) overwhelming peace. An unworldly peace. I think I can safely attribute that to prayer and reading the Gospels. Now that I've surrendered, I am ready to walk wherever I may be called, because I know that it will be for a greater glory. Whatever happens, happens. I trust that discernment in where I should go as far as career and major will come in due time. I trust that the best as far as a relationship goes will happen, whether that it is to have one or not. I don't know, but I trust.

I'm ready, now. Ready for my heart to be set on fire for Christ. I don't want to be apathetic to my surroundings or faith life anymore. For so long, I've simply existed. Any desire I had was for myself. I want to leave the shyness behind, yet keep a quiet spirit that burns out loud. I'm ready to use all that I've been given to show people a greater glory and to help them and give them hope, to the best of my ability. I want to live for others.

I don't want a cute little candle flame or even a toaster oven flame (although it did make me panic for a second).



I want a wildfire.

"And they said to one another, 'Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the scriptures to us?'" Luke 24:32

15. Start A Fire - Unspoken

mutual weirdness

Oh hey there. Long time no see.

Today has been a good day.

First off, however, I woke up from a horrible dream. I had been locked in a room with all of my friends, but I couldn't take my attention off a certain boy that was sitting beside me, facing the opposite wall. Yeah.

So when I woke up, I prayed that I would have discernment and wisdom and guidance in this part of my life and through this struggle. You have to understand, boys have been my ultimate weakness for nine years. NINE YEARS. So I threw myself at him and set zero emotional boundaries as soon as I realized I had "a chance". That's why this whole thing has been blown out of proportion for so long.

I worried that I was still too far away for God to hear.

During the service today, we sang that Matt Maher song I told you about a few posts ago. It's a relatively new song, so it was surprising that they were able to get the sheet music and practice it all together so quickly. I knew that it was the first indication that God heard my prayer. So, yeah. First thing to keep in mind is that I really am alive, and I was dead before. I needed this hurt. Second indication was when our pastor closed prayer by saying that we should rejoice because of the cross, as God hears us and allows us to enter into a relationship with him after the veil was torn. Third was the sermon itself. Deuteronomy 7:3 states "Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons" in reference to interfaith marriages. To put it into modern context, we should not intermarry with our culture. Celebrity culture. Hookup culture. Drug culture. Underage drinking culture. It reminded me that I should be waiting to find someone who has transcended the world or who will transcend the world. Someone whose faith intertwines with every aspect of his life. I'm not judging the guy that I keep mentioning at all, as I lived in our culture as well - it's pretty much the reason we met each other. In turn, however, I will be trying to do this too.

I realized that the reason I've been thinking so much about the dude is not because God wants me to hurt still, but because I'm still fighting a battle. Yes, I'm dead to who I was before, but he who deceives hasn't given up yet. He wants me to think that I messed up (I mean, I did), but that there's no coming back. I'm not good enough for anyone. That was my only chance. It was like that State Farm "I got you a dollar" commercial. He was perfect for me because he was Christian and nerdy and smart and a Tar Heel and was in marching band and liked kids and wanted to be a doctor so he could help people. He was perfect for me, and I messed up. I did mess up, but he most definitely was not perfect for me. Yes, he is a good person and will find a wonderful woman. That woman is not me (I am not wonderful), but I am made new in Christ, and I am confident that "the one" is out there somewhere. I turned on the radio when leaving my cousin's house, and the lady on KLove perfectly described what I have been trying to conclude all this time in a Dr. Seuss quote: "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." I was not compatible with his weirdness (if he had any at all), and vice versa. Simple. I'm glad I messed up, because if I hadn't and we dated, something just wouldn't have felt right. It's hard to tell when it's a lack of chemistry or you just don't know each other well enough yet, you feel me? But as for me, I have a good feeling about the next one. I can't be too careful, but I just have a feeling. I know there will be someone and we'll just both know.

The next thing that came on the radio was a statement that made me physically speak "Amen" in my empty car. The announcer said something along the lines of "things can get us down. Careers, people, life events. We can't let these things get us down, because hope is an engine for change. In the midst of trials, we should find our joy in the Lord." A to the men.

All in all, while I've been scared with all of the uncertainty in figuring out my major and not taking summer classes as I had intended, I am glad for this free time in the summer. I am glad that God brought me to the end of the line with the certainty I have in my career path and school and and the strange male species. It literally brought me to my knees, and I gave it all to Him. I know that there is no possible way that I can do this life thing on my own. All I can do is praise and hope and be thankful and pray. With this time, I have been serious about reading up on the Bible for the first time. I am determined to finish this time. I want to know God. I know that He's the only one who can ultimately satisfy my heart's craving for love. And, be it part of His plan, I'll better understand the relationship between Christ and the church so that I'll know when I've found someone with whom I can have the same kind of relationship. But for now, and from now on, I am so ready to be in an ever-growing relationship with the One who loved me first.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

13. My Heart Is Yours - Passion; 14. Lord I'm Ready Now - Plumb

my sadness is now named phyllis

 I went to see the film "Inside Out" yesterday. I thought it was going to be cute and funny, but it taught me a few things. 1. It's healthy to be in touch with your emotions, so they don't get too out of control. 2. Don't underestimate the value of sadness. 3. Joy is closer than you think.

12. Broken Vessel (Amazing Grace) - Hillsong United

i like the name peter, too

Hello, friends. My parents and sister left for Europe, so I'm alone (yes please abduct me because I'm bored). In an attempt to delay the impending doom of boredom, I drove to Starbucks to write a summer letter for a prospective LCM member. When I ordered my drink, I think the barista may have been flirting with me- or was just trying to make conversation. He said Allison was his favorite name. Of course, I froze. This validates a point my friend made- I rely too much on technology for my relationships with people, it's my weakness. I just kind of giggled like an idiot instead of shooting back a response about how you can only like being named after a race car driver so much.

Instead of immediately writing the letter to a future LCMer, I wrote a letter to another guy I don't know. Yet. It was a love letter, and it ended up being 19 pages long. It was about how I know he's out there and I just need to have faith. I know we'll be perfect for each other. I know that we'll help each other grow in faith. I have confidence that he's out there, somewhere. Normally my mom would just say that she was lucky that she found my dad (at 15 years old, mind you) and that there aren't that many good guys out there and would provide no consolation about my ability to find someone. Except this time, she told me that there's definitely someone out there, I just have to remember who has this in their hands. True that, Karen. My best friend said the same thing later that day. I hope that God was speaking to me through them, because now I have so much hope.

After I sat in Starbucks for two hours, I drove around aimlessly, following the heat lightning until it turned into a storm. When I got home, I stood out in the backyard and simply stood in awe at the beauty and power of the lightning. I asked God to help me understand, because I know He was trying to tell me something.

 If He had so much power so as to light up the sky, then I have a force to be reckoned with on my side.

"I will listen to what God the Lord says; He promises peace to His people, His faithful servants- but let them not turn to folly." Psalm 85:8


12. Oceans - Hillsong United

follow Me, and I will keep you

Hey guys. Bear with me. Today, I volunteered for the first time at a nursing home. And, of course, it was totally awkward. Because I'm awkward and I have no idea how one successfully interacts with others. I'm starting to have second thoughts about nursing, just because I feel like I don't really have the interpersonal skills to be an encouraging presence. I trust that God will lead me wherever I should go, whether that be a different career path, or if I'm what should be changed. It was an awkward experience, yes, but a good one. I painted one woman's nails, and while she couldn't really speak or see, I could tell that there were stories and unimaginable amounts of wisdom through her jaded eyes. It gave me hope for the life and experiences that lie before me. It reminded me that I should live for the future, but also for the present. Because if I'm only living in the future, am I really living? I should remember the lessons from the past as well, but leave the pain. Leave my mistakes. Leave my past desires and self. As I passed through another woman's room, I couldn't help but notice a devotional with the prayer for serenity on the cover. It goes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference." That definitely strikes a chord with me, even though it's probably for different reasons. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know why (oh, hello imaginary friends)...

When I got home, I went outside to talk to God. It was hard at first, because I had desires on my heart in addition to seeking His presence, but when I eventually gave them to Him and just prayed for His presence, I suddenly felt the urge to close my eyes and the wind picked up ever so slightly. Call me crazy, but I felt it. (Ever so slightly). I meditated a little more, and when I got up, I suddenly felt the desire to walk back into the woods. I didn't have shoes on and it was pretty dark in there, but I did it anyway. The twigs and debris hurt my feet, but that was quite alright. As soon as I walked under the cover of the trees, it started raining.




"Follow Me, and I will keep you."




"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12


11. Captain - Hillsong United

not this time, miley

It's been nearly a week since I thought my boy drama was all over... but it had just begun. Reading that as I typed sounded really pathetic. Anyway, moving on... I can't help but feel guilty because I know it was my fault that it all happened. I've forgiven him (I think) for all this crap that I'm still feeling, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I keep telling myself that it's alright, because I know I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with him anyway, but I can't help but wonder. It might have been my only chance, but I keep telling myself that it really is okay. I'm remembering how I started that whole thing with one guy three years ago and I realized that, while he was a really sweet kid, I felt so tied down because I knew he wasn't the one. I just have to wait for someone that I feel so in love with that the commitment is a joy. Or just not date at all. That's the frustrating part. It took sixteen years for the first one to happen, and then three more for this other kid. I've started praying for discernment in that area, because I'm totally willing to be  patient and hope and everything for the right dude at the right time and to know that he's "the one", but what if I'm called to serve alone? What if I'm supposed to live as a free bird? What if I'm just living on empty hope my whole life? That's okay, but I want my desires to be conformed to God's. I don't want to have the capacity for romantic love, if that's the case.

I guess part of what kept me from truly trying to listen to God is that so many God-loving people in my church had to wait so, so long for a person to come into their lives. It's like God is punishing them (even though I know that's not true). It's just weird. I hear so many testimonies of people having to wait until their late 30s to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with. It's wonderful to have someone at all, but I feel so rushed. I feel like I need to find someone like, this year so that we can date for a long period of time and be married for a long period of time and still be able to have kids. I want to be totally transformed immediately so I'm ready to love the right way, but I know that's not the reason for the transformation. It's to love God and to be married to His Word, but... I can't protest any more, I guess.

I just have to keep in mind why all of this happened. It can be tough because while I believe in free will, how does that work with God's plan? One of those mysteries, I guess. I definitely think the mistext was me, not God. God's not stupid or weird nor does he make mistakes. That occurrence was definitely all three of those. But it was still an answered prayer. Hmm. I'm not sure if I should be trying to figure out how that all works together, or I should just trust that God made sure I was in a situation in which that would be likely to happen. Because Lord knows I'm weird. That translates into a little bit of uncertainty for finding the right guy. What if it's God's plan for us to meet, but our free will lets us part ways?

I just have to trust that this pain is working towards something beautiful, just like I asked a few months ago. While there is a battle in my heart concerning this whole finding my soulmate and whether or not he exists and if I'll find him and stuff like that, I feel more empowered in the battle against sin. The walls that kept God out and sin inside have been painfully but totally torn down (except not by Miley Cyrus). Fight me, bro.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Allison

10. Wrecking Ball - Sidewalk Prophets

beauty of the storm

As a continuation of my last post, I realized something. This was always about just my relationship with God, not something that "could've been". How rich God is in mercy, that He would actually listen to my prayer and deliver so powerfully. As the week went on, I really did see how I am dead to my past sin. Grace was no longer an excuse, but a reason to live in the Light- to live like Christ.

On Wednesday, I met with a friend for ice cream, which I figured would help me get over what happened. What I didn't know was that it was never even necessary to get over it. It was only required of me that I see the depth and width and height of God's love, which I saw in the beauty of the sky that night and the wonderful community of friends that we accidentally stumbled upon there. It was in the "hey, wanna do something stupid?" and not really doing anything stupid at all but walk down the street laughing and taking a picture of an ordinary street sign to send to someone. It was in the excitement that we had to go back to school and band and the nervousness and the talk about prayer for our futures and about how stupid going to class is and how we're both going to try to be more involved in LCM. It was in the safety of the drive home. It was on the radio with a Matt Maher song to which I tried to sing along but sounded horrible because I had never even heard the song before. It was such a powerful testament to being alive because of Christ that I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

Last night was when I saw all of this. The beauty and love that came out of everything that had happened, under the disguise of misfortune. I realized how much I've changed in the past week, and that there's no way on earth that I could have gone through this by myself or simply by my own choosing.

There was a huge storm last night. I went outside and finally took the lyrics of the Carrie Underwood song I had been singing all week to heart. It felt like I was being baptized again, but instead of having the formalities and the delicate nature of baptism or confirmation within a church, this was raw. It was just God and me. The cold rain came pouring down when the unseasonably dark skies opened up, washing me clean and assuring me in the power and promises that God always keeps, and I, in turn, was committing my whole self to His Will as passionately as the storm thundered. I knew then just how much God loved me, because He would put me through the pain so I could see an infinitely greater joy.



I have never felt so loved.




              I have never felt so alive.




"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17


Peace of Christ,

Allison


9. Because He Lives - Matt Maher

"Amen, amen...
I'm alive, I'm alive because He lives..."

a testimony of God's love

So.... I did something stupid. Really stupid. Kind of silly, actually. Anyway, I had been texting with this guy since the end of April, and I was excited, because this was the first time that I really liked someone that liked me back. #only19yearsold. So, we eventually hung out, and it was kind of awkward, but it still went well. After that, we lost contact. *insert confused emoji*. I was complaining to my friend, because I was concerned that it would be totally over just as I started to really like him, and I had no idea why. I didn't know if I had done something wrong, if he changed his opinion about me, or if I was just unattractive. Dramatic, I know, but keep in mind that my collective dating history is next to nothing. So I did what any ridiculously bored weirdo would do to diffuse the tension and sent the creepiest complaint I could possibly create to her. But just as a lighthearted joke. And of course, I sent it to him instead. (Excuse me while I go lay in the middle of the road.) He said he was "weirded out a little", and I don't blame him for that, but we still kept in contact. A month passes by, and I start to wonder. I eventually gathered the courage to ask him why we hadn't seen each other, and I eventually got the answer. He had changed his mind with the "mistext incident". I get it. I really do. What I don't get is why we kept in contact for so long, especially when he knew I was into him. That just made it hurt more.

I don't know what made him think that it was okay to lead me on.


But I know why it happened. It was an answered prayer.


A few months ago, I realized how callous and unfeeling I had become. Scratch that, I just knew something was wrong. I knew God was far away, even though I went to church every Sunday and went to weekly Wednesday worship with LCM. I was empty. I relied on people far too much. I became indifferent to sin. So as a last attempt to cry out to God, I prayed reluctantly that He would break my heart so that I could be made totally new. I could be the loving, kind, caring, compassionate girl I once was, but now as a young woman. I could be a young woman filled with Spirit, patience, and peace. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I prayed to have God on my side and to feel that He is always there. I wanted things to be in vibrant color again.  Little did I know how much a something like this could hurt after not feeling so long. It wasn't immediate, and it definitely wasn't a clean break. It didn't come with our final conversation. It came with the month of not knowing. I cried. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I tried running so that I could be happy. As time went on, I realized how much just one person could possibly bring me down, even though it may have been and probably was unintentional. I knew that, deep down, he wasn't 'the one'. He fit the description (smart, Christian, etc.), but I couldn't see us together forever, you feel me? But what if this was my only chance? It was this kind of thinking that brought me to my knees.


That's when I remembered my cry to God.


I began to pray every night. I prayed that His Will be done. I prayed that whatever was going to happen, that He hold my hand the whole way and show me the good that would come out of it. I prayed that He would fill me with peace, and not let this get to me. As my pastor said in a perfectly timed sermon last Sunday, God only gives us what is good. So of course, I still lost sleep and my appetite and worried all the time. I wondered why God wasn't helping me, even though I was praying. It took a month of restlessness to realize just how lost of a person I had become. Just the extent of how much I lacked compassion before. How I only used my faith as a crutch. How boys are my weakness, and the only way to possibly fill me with any sort of emotion. The only way to get to my heart. The only ones who had my heart. That's the reason it got so ridiculously out of control on my end. Heck, the last time I hurt so much was when a friend died four years ago. And then that's when God showed up. He started fixing me. I realized the hurt was from Him, not from him. If it had been from him, how much worse it would have been! I realized that God really was there the whole time, but I just wasn't ready to listen to His voice. I was still trying to stick with the plan that I had made for myself, ignoring my own empty prayer that God's Will be done. I think God just kind of shook His head, facepalmed, and let me fall. But He let me fall into His arms. If He would have let me really fall, I would have stayed there because of how far the climb back up would be. How amazing this peace is, after what happened. Yes, it still hurts, but I'm finally alive. Alive to God and dead to my past. Just imagine how beautiful life would have been if I prayed and thought about God and read His Word every day, not just when I started to realize how desperately I needed rescuing.

If I could go back and stop myself from sending that text, I wouldn't.

And maybe someday, God willing, I'll meet a weirdo who won't simply take me at face value (literally). He'll think I'm weird, but one silly thing I do won't define what he thinks about me. Or maybe I'll just stop doing creepy things. Either way. But yeah, we'll have a beautiful wedding and strange children and be so, so much more in love with God than we are with each other. And I'll know that it's meant to be. We won't be awkward at all, or we'll be so beautifully awkward together that it brings us closer to each other. But until then, or even if that never happens at all, my heart will be open for Christ to fill.

"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

<3

Allison

8. Something in the Water - Carrie Underwood

"Then it hit me like lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying 'God, if You're there come and rescue me'
Felt love pouring down from above
Got washed in the water, washed in the blood
and now I'm changed
and now I'm stronger..."

one year down.

Hello, old (and probably imaginary) friends. What has it been, a year? Yikes. Anyway, one year of college in the books. It was a beautiful one, at that. UNC has, by far, exceeded my expectations in most areas. What surprised me most, I think, was that I was able to find such a close-knit community of friends with the Lutheran Campus Ministry. I also thought I would never ditch the idea of med school, but after a year of prayer and searching, I think I've figured out what my calling is in life. I definitely need to pray and search more, but as for now, I think I know. I guess time will tell.

I know this was a short post, but I need to spend some time reflecting on the year to formulate a comprehensive yet cohesive post. It was a year of discovery, questioning, learning, excitement, and much to my delight, adventure. Love y'all, and goodnight!

xoxo

Allison

7. Help Me Find It - Sidewalk Prophets

next chapter.

   I guess you could say that it's been a while.


   Since I left you last, I've been admitted to the NC State Honors College, UNC Chapel Hill, and the Oxford College of Emory. I will be attending... drumroll please... Carolina! So excited to be a Tarheel. I'm leaving for campus in less than two weeks to begin band camp! That's right, I'll be in marching band... on piccolo. As if I'm not obnoxious enough. As for my major, I'm not so excited. CHEM CHEM CHEM NONSTOP CHEMISTRY. I'm considering switching from Pre-Pharmacy to Pre-Dent so I could become a pediatric dentist, because I'd feel better with more of a concentration in biology and I love kids. I guess I'll figure it out eventually. Prayers please.

  On a sad note, my high school suffered a loss this year. A recently graduated senior took his own life, and it has hit many of us like a ton of bricks. I could only imagine how much pain he was experiencing, and I pray for his family members and that I would be able to discern when a person is in need of help. You were a cool dude, Brandon.

   Also, my cat died. He was cool too.

    I hope to use these next two weeks to prepare, spend time with my family, and spend time with God.

   I have also decided with a friend to do something crazy within the next ten years. It's going to happen. Nothing irresponsible or inappropriate, it's just that it's huge. We both have excuses to do it. We also plan on recruiting a couple other friends for it. My only clue to you is that I will live up to the title of this blog.

Until next time,

               Allison

6. All I've Ever Needed- AJ Michalka

college.

Time for post-holiday depression to settle in.

I'm supposed to be applying for scholarships and whatnot, but I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe. Anyway, I am officially done with applying to college as of Sunday. Woo. I started in what, August? So. Many. Essays. Scholarship essays aren't that much better. On the bright side, I've been admitted to the Honors College at the University of Alabama (full ride too! Roll, tide, roll!), the Honors College at the University of South Carolina, and North Carolina State University. As of right now, I'd probably end up at State. I'm really hoping to receive a big packet with light blue print on it (it's not like it could be a really, really, really long rejection letter, right?), and it should come this month. Really hoping. The anticipation makes it seem like every day is two years.

I'm just really glad that I'm going to college somewhere. It is truly a dream come true. A likely dream, yes. I always knew that I was going to go SOMEWHERE for an education. But now, that dream is taking shape. I cannot wait to see the marvelous outcome. :)

Love,

              Allison

5. E Ti Promettero- Josh Groban

It's been a while...

So I doubt anyone reads my posts anymore (or if anyone read them to begin with), but I rediscovered my blog and am surprised by what I wrote. It's as if I'm discovering this all again. I get so caught up with everything in the school year and simply forget. I become unaware of myself. It's pathetic.

 Just writing to give y'all an update- senior year is crazy. I don't know what people were saying with how "junior year is so much more stressful than senior year." Uhm, no. Same workload plus college applications. asdfghjkl;.  So far, I've applied to UNC and NC State. At least that's over! Two down, three to go...

I really would like to start posting again. Even though nobody is going to read this, it's fun to organize my thoughts and see where it leads me. Maybe once I get all my service hours turned in, finish a couple applications, do some reading logs for AP Bio...

In the meantime, stay classy!

xoxo
               Allison

4. Reaching by Audiomachine

summer!

   Okay... enough with the deep stuff. I guess I'll tell you a little about me.
   I'm 16 years old, and I think I'm in love with music. It has always been a part of my life! I've been playing the flute for 5 years, one year in marching band, and I'm learning how to play clarinet and guitar. Suggestions? :) As for music I listen to, well, I have an interesting variety. I can listen to Christian, Alternative, New Age, and Screamo all in the same day. I need a little variety.
   I've been dancing for 10 years. It's my creative outlet- it's what keeps me sane. I love modern, contemporary, and jazz, but I'm not sure how much dancing I'll be able to do since joining NHS. I was also planning on applying to be a junior volunteer at a hospital, so that gives me less time for dancing. I'll still be a competition member, though.
   In academics, I'm strongest in math and foreign language. I'll be taking AP Calculus AB and French III & IV next year. My passion, though, is reading. Yes, I'm too scared to take AP English. Again with the bravery! It would help a lot with my writing and analysis skills, but I don't think I would do too well. I'm still trying to delve deeper into thought, and you must be very mentally mature to succeed. 
   I'm still not sure what to do with myself in life. What colleges to apply to, what I should major in, who I should be... I guess it'll come soon. I like to hold off on making decisions until the last second, because I don't like thinking about it and worrying. Definitely not the best idea, but it usually works out. I've always wanted to be a teacher, but I'll have to build my patience.

~

  Summer has been pretty boring. I've been going to the gym and occasionally hanging out with friends. In fact, I saw my math teacher this morning in weights class! This week, though, my family is taking me to Bermuda, which should be interesting. I'm really excited for Glass Beach. After that, I'll be dancing all day to prepare for my second to last national competition. Savannah, Georgia, here we come! Not time to be sentimental quite yet.

  I just returned from the mountains, and I'm happy to say that I took joy in exploring on my own. A dog kept following me, but he was friendly, so I didn't think much of it. It's just the little things that make me happy. I went on a trail that I had never been on before, and I continued even after the trail thinned out. I can't wait to adventure even further next time and add a little colour to my day. I hope I end up somewhere.

Love,

             Allison

3. Belong- Cary Brothers

bravery

   Bravery. A synonym of courage. What does it mean? I've been familiar with the term for quite a while, but I never thought to make it part of my story. After pondering the subject, I realized that it has nothing to do with making really stupid decisions. Breaking the law isn't brave- it's stupid. Then again, one could be standing up for their unalienable rights. So, I can't come to a conclusion.
   I've never been able to do something 'brave' when I think about possible consequences. Today I climbed a tree, and it was only when I was 20 feet in the air when I looked down. I couldn't continue to climb after that. Stupid decision? Probably. Last week, I told a guy I liked him. Stupid decision? Not as of now. Only time will tell. Last year, I officially accepted Jesus Christ. Stupid decision? Absolutely not. It's the reason I haven't been holding back as much lately. I'm gaining some odd sense of blind trust that I've never felt before. Will I jump off of a bridge and trust that I'll just stop in midair? I don't think it's supposed to be quite that literal. Will I walk into a room, full of people I don't know, and trust that I'll make friends? Getting there. I know I'll have to talk to people in order to do so. I can't stay in a shell, in a comfort zone, for the entirety of my life. Then again, I can't stare at the sun out of curiosity. There must be some sort of happy medium that will get me somewhere.
   Isn't it funny how irony appears everywhere? Call me crazy, but if you look for it, you'll start to see it. The most obvious occurrence that I've noticed this year is the similarity of one of my routines to this new feeling. It is a modern dance choreographed by Brooke Wendle, and she described the story behind the series of movements before we started. Inspired by her trip to Africa, Wendle explained that we were supposed to be disabled in the beginning. No movement, no smiles, nothing. We were just in contorted positions without the slightest hint of hope. Then, something amazing happened. We started moving. The initial reaction is a little uneasy, yet curiosity surely overpowers this. As we start getting more comfortable with this new development, we stop stumbling as much and are overcome with an inexplicable joy and passion. What a blessing it is to move! I'm starting to feel it.
  I must have not been able to "move" before, stuck the box I put myself in. It's amazing what a little faith and trust will do. I was afraid to give anything a chance, but now I'm never looking back to where I used to be. Sure, there were no risks to be had and no possibilities of hurting myself, but that will get someone nowhere. It builds character! I think it's time I step out and show people who I really am. I have a yearning feeling that's bigger than me, and I have to say yes to life in order to satisfy it.  After all, what fun is it to live a mundane life? It's called living for a reason, and you only get one chance. Life was given out of generosity, so don't waste it. It's time to be brave.
  
Love,
                Allison

2. Away from the Sun- 3 Doors Down (see the Vitamin String Quartet version too. It's the song we dance to.)

i'm new here

   Hello everyone... wow, what an awkward intro. I'm not really sure why I wanted to start a blog, because  I'll probably forget that I have one in the first place. I guess it's because I like writing, but I'm too much of a chicken to take AP English. Oh well.
   This will be a place in which I record my "adventures", because, yes, I am a dreamer in our modern society- hence the title. It's a little upsetting that conformity has taken over, as I feel myself getting caught in some sort of current. Daily Routine? Get up. Go to school. Marching band and dance practice. Homework. Stress. Maybe get some sleep. There's some variation occasionally, but I usually know exactly what I would be doing at any certain moment. Summer? Oh. Sleep for 12 hours, get up, ride my bike, watch tv, repeat. I can only imagine what life as an adult will be like for me. Where's the motivation to just... do something different? How could I possibly use my imagination in any part of that? There's something more to life. I know, it's cliche to write a blog about the 'meaning of life'. But, you know what? It's not going to be about that. The reason people have failed over and over in their futile searches have but one point they have overlooked: we're all different. If we were all the same, how in the world would we be where we are now? Granted, it's not a great position, but it's better than living in caves. I couldn't imagine Rosa Parks and Jeff Dunham as being the same. Humans create history together, good and bad, and it becomes a giant domino effect. I could only imagine what life would be like if nothing happened in 1776. If Hitler had never been born. If we were smart enough to create and maintain a Utopian society. Is it possible, or is it one of those things that is mocking us every day? Just wondering.
   I know this was short, but I needed to get past the first post. It's always the toughest with writer's block. If you continue reading, be warned that my mind is an interesting  place to visit.      
   I'm hoping to have a little adventure, whether it be past the woods or building relationships, and write about it here along with what I learn. You don't gain wisdom from reading books. I'm not setting out to find my place. All in all, I'm going to figure out why God put me here, and what He meant for me to do. That, my friend, will be the greatest adventure of all.


Love,
 
            Allison


P.S. Mary Alex, if you're reading this, I'm stealing your idea of giving recommendations. Mine will be music, though!


1.Human - Natalie Grant